Michaela...

Michaela's birthday is next week. She would have been 25. I can't help but think about her and wonder what life would have been like for both of us had things turned out differently, had she not gone out that night… Would we even be speaking still or would we have long ago had a massive, blow out fight over some petty, inconsequential difference of opinion/behavior? Would we still be the girls we were, the friends we were, or would we have outgrown what seemed so important - our friendship?

Everytime I see butterflies, even just silly graphic butterflies I can't help but think simultaneously of Peter and Michy. So soon after he died, she still in some level of shock but carrying me through, and a text message at New Years...

Just when the caterpillar thought all was lost, she turned into a beautiful butterfly…

Now the phrase is everywhere - jewelry, t-shirts, calendars and posters, but it will never be more beautiful and poignant as it was that cold night, on a cell phone bought while with my now deceased brother and later used to antagonize him to no end. I still have that phone and will never "recycle" it or throw it out… it has the last text messages from him on there, and it has Michaela's simple quote sent in my darkest hour.

I cannot get tattoos as I scar something fierce and while many say "oh just try a simple test line" I prefer to remain in the wistful "can't do it" mentality. If I could though, I would only have two - though I'd love a giant, full back one of the Birth of Venus for the sake sensationalism. No, my genuinely wished for, thought about, almost longed for tattoos would number only two and they would both be about the two most important people in my life that have thus far passed on, and not one of them would be about anger, or sadness, or deep, gut-wrenching grief.

Instead, they would be about hope, peace, grace, wisdom, and love.

Peter, as most know, stems from the Greek "petros" meaning rock or stone. Worked out great as he was incredibly hard headed… ha-ha. But the tattoo I would get to represent him and his influence on my life would be "petros" in Greek lettering on the inside of my right wrist. Fairly plain and simple, some dark ink and no flare. Something that I could see and instantly feel some element of him around/with me.

Michaela's, however, would be utterly flamboyant, gaudy some might say, and though not physically huge, "larger than life"… because simply put, Michaela was larger than life in my mind and heart. For her, I would get a beautiful, graceful, almost delicate butterfly on the inside of my left wrist and color it a mix of beautiful blues, light and dark, transparent and opaque, showing the fluidity of the fragile, yet strong wings. Those wings would be outlined in gold, eye popping, sure to need retouching often, gold. And at each corner of the wings the gold would not simply stop, but would curve up around to the top of my wrist, where the individual lines/threads would meet in the center before becoming an intricate and beautiful letter M. She was so beautiful to me in so many ways, so she deserves an incredible memorial, one that everyone would be forced to notice and appreciate, even if they don't like me, or tattoos in general. She was a piece of art in so many ways for me, to me and so must her memory be on me.

I have mixed twinges each time I see that phrase she sent to me, even more so when it is on frivolous things. On one hand, it irks me that something that is so special, so meaningful, so empowering to me can be used in any way that somehow almost cheapens it. Yet, on the other hand, I remember my laughing, blue eyed friend, the way she would say what I was thinking but afraid to speak aloud, or the way she hugged and how she smelled - a scent simply her - or how she held me while I sobbed without making me feel foolish, but also allowed me to laugh soon after without making me feel guilty. We used to say, after my brother died, that she and I were now the two sides of the coin that I split with my sibling - I was the serious, quiet, almost shy one; she the beautiful, brash, alive one. It seems utterly wrong that now that life has been extinguished in this realm - I'm not sure I believe it totally has - and that now I am simply the serious, quiet, almost shy girl, without the spark of Michy. Her tattoo would fix that…

But I cannot have tattoos so what now must I do to embody the effervescent spirit of this amazing woman? I can live, and I can laugh, and some day I will love with everything I have and when I have a moment, I will think of Michaela, I will grin ridiculously, and I will find someone I know and tell them that I appreciate and love them, not for what they do for me or others, or for what they have, but simply for the being and life within that is truly, uniquely, theirs.

And I will go skinny-dipping when I am 83 and toast my own butterfly.

mutter mutter mutter

Well today pretty much sucked. I had to get stitches yesterday on my side (injury from MT that wasn't being nice and playing the game called healing properly) and naturally had to have an insane amount of numbing stuff that made me sick most of yesterday and a good chunk of today. Then I started new allergy meds today and totally am not adjusting well. AND THEN I WENT TO SPOKANE! Now seriously, the rest of the stuff would be just annoying little nonsense but then you add in the potholes and the traffic and the people who don't freaking signal and cut into your lane randomly... and before you know it I'm not only muttering but coming up with creative insults and new combinations of swear words.

I don't get it people - really I don't. My dad is from Spokane, a lot of my family is in Spokane, I have several friends up there and some of the neatest shops/stores are there. Yet I can't stand the place and always feel "off" for at least a day after I get back. I know that they say you can take the girl out of the country but not the country out of the girl but this girl doesn't want to leave the country so you can just forget it right now! In my defense Mom is worse I think - growing up on a farm like 8-10 miles outside of a tiny town and now living in another tiny town and feeling crowded because she can see the neighbors... BUT SPOKANE IS WORSE... I promise.

No there are really truly elements that I like about Spokane, but today was crap anyway. This is how bad it was - I didn't even want to go to Barnes and Noble even though that was the original plan! That's way bad for me, a book freak. I was so glad to get into my tiny ass town, or even near it, or even out of the heavy traffic. The weirdest thing is that there are other cities that I LOVE to be in so why not this place? Who knows.

But we have pink golf balls now - one of the errands today - and its not like you can just walk into say Crossett's and find those. Guess it was kind of worth it...

So I mutter.

clock's ticking

well everyone here is starting to get kind of ancy about the golf tourney on the 26th... about two weeks away and still so much to do. we'll get it done but once in awhile it gets a bit... overwhelming to say the least. mom's the real powerhouse behind the entire thing as i've said since the beginning (of course she's pretty much always been the powerhouse for like everything) so if dad and i can mostly do what she asks and then find ways we can help w/o her having to tell us we just might be ok. the lady is totally going to earn a drink that day so if you come out remember that... plus she gets totally hilarious with only a little so its like bam cheap date (and entertainment for me... sorry mom)

was totally stoked as yesterday found out that records i need for thesis do exist and are accessible! now to get the irb thing wrapped up so i can start interviewing and pulling all of these sources in... craft a chapter by october OI! i can do this... right?

home again

Well I've been home for just over a week and today I finally felt like I was back on my A game mentally. I loved Montana and had not realized I was quite as fatigued as it turns out I was... between resting and catching up with family and friends I pretty much did nothing of much merit last week but moon over MT, but how much credit I should be given based on that is up for debate (who needs a whiner?).

I haven't even shown the family any of my pictures yet and lord knows I took gobs. Its really spectacular that so many of the group photos have been posted through the website (there's a special program/site that has the photos and a link via osvingen.org) but I haven't even taken much time to look through those either. You know, for a hobby photographer/lover of the medium I sure am letting the ball drop on this one.

I've done a bit more research on the living history programs that the MHC provides during an average summer and still am hoping to get back to the area a few times this summer, but between the golf tournament, weddings galore, thesis work, internship hunting/work, and hopefully an attendance @ the Agaidika Days in Salmon it is going to be a tight fit. What's even a bit more ... amazing or goofy ... is that I'm totally ok with being a bit overwhelmed with all the things I need to do and I'm perfectly content with having to work harder so I can get back there again.

I've been asked a few times about my favorite part of field school/the area and I'm not sure I'm able to give a totally, 100% thorough and honest answer. Look at some of the work we did - that's amazing to me. Having not been in the discipline for three years but getting to work on reenactment proposals, walk through some of those old buildings, TALK WITH THE MHC STAFF AND NOT ANNOY THE HELL OUT OF THEM, and be allowed to traverse some of the most beautiful country surrounding Virginia City - that's just fantastic to me. But I'd be remiss if I only talked in terms of work because the entire experience was so much more.

Now I'm sure a lot of people will disagree - undoubtedly there's people who think it wasn't just great and in some regards they're right; maybe they think that work was the only thing important about our entire time there and again in some regards they're right. But I managed to learn a lot about my field, about this place and time, these people, and most importantly about me. It may be more accurate to say that I had an opportunity to remember something about me that I had forgotten... I love to be involved in a "bigger picture" project with several others even tho' I don't really play well with said others.

When I was a sophomore, I believe, I paged at the state capitol and it was a great experience. One day while walking up the marble steps after having greeted the guards by name (always remember to bring guards cookies - preferably a wide variety - because they will adore you ever after) it suddenly dawned on me: I was one piece of the whole, one cog on the machine. Right, wrong, or otherwise the "machine" otherwise known as our state government is a pretty big, sorta kinda impressive thing and to be involved... well it was just a really heady, yet, weighty moment in my life.

So here I am, in the middle of Montana, with people I barely know and others I don't know at all, and I'm again part of a bigger thing. I think this really was brought home to me when the Agaidika took time to travel to Virginia City and be pestered by tons of questions before hearing our SNHP proposal... it matters.

I have always wanted to do something that matters and, I'll admit, have been worried that my work as a historian would never really matter. After all, I joke that all historians do is study old dead white men... well no more of that but still... So to have those people take that time, to get to be a part of this much larger story and history, it was reaffirming that what I am doing is important and that it does matter.

So I guess the best part of field school for me was refocusing my head and my heart and reminding myself that my work can and ought to matter.

After all, everyone has a story - we're just here to tell it.

So this hopefully we be short as I really need to get some rest - have been trying for the last 2 or 3 hours but keep thinking of other stuff to do and this blog happened to be on that list.

I seriously cannot tell anyone just how great some of the local people and business are, but here's my great examples and kind of my "you totally ought to visit these stores" pitch. My roommate and I frequently travel the 14 miles up to Ennis to use our cell phones and to get random "supplies" (i.e. doughnuts and beverages) and after day one there were a few ladies who work in the local store who knew our names and continuously have used them. Then, farther into town, there's the cutest little jewelry store, Fran's Fancy, and the couple that own and operate it take the time to chat with you, educate you on the various stones, etc., and make you so darn comfortable you don't want to leave (of course your pocketbook may have other ideas). An amazing Mexican restaurant is also in town and the other day when we ate there they were so apologetic for what they called "slow" service (it was damn fast) so made us essentially an elephant ear type desert thing. Awesome food, very very nice people, and ridiculously high expectations of themselves in regards to their work totally dictate this place.

Then in V.C. itself I have to tell you I pretty much am in love with the Pioneer - one of the two local bars. As far as I can tell there's really one bartender and let me tell you what she rocks. Makes amazing drinks, remembers every "regular" person by name and favorite drink, and laughs from her toes (no joke)... plus compared to the prices back home this place is like the wal-mart of saloons... or better! Last night we went out in celebration of finishing up week two and while there we ran into the first shift of an acting troupe that puts on apparently one of the funniest acts every summer (they open Friday and are here until September). We've heard stories about how funny their show is but man they're just really cool people! We talked for quite awhile with them having first introduced ourselves within 30 seconds of saying hi and when we were ready to leave maybe an hour or an hour 1/2 later they told us bye by name and were excited we were planning on attending a show before we left. Seriously funny people.

Huh... can you tell I'm big on people remembering names?

Of course a healthy dose of this local business adoration could be based on the fact that we were in Bozeman today shopping. Bozeman is much larger than V.C. but probably about Pullman's size; it could be because of being in such a small town atmosphere for so long but even their "nice" in the mall and stores was pale comparatively. EXCEPT one woman working JCPenney where my roommate got shoes. She was rocking the most bizarre outfit - leg warmers, purple tights, rainbow socks, clear sparkly jelly shoes, odd cutoff jeans, a teal sweater off one shoulder, HUGE PINK PLASTIC SUNGLASSES and a sideways ponytail - plus mega blue eye shadow. Now some may automatically be saying "that wasn't bizarre that was 80s!" but considering I wasn't born until the latter half of the 80s I hope you'll forgive me for being a bit taken aback. Well, then the question becomes why the hell was she wearing this? Turns out the mall opened in 1980 and this weekend was "80s weekend!" and sales associates had to hit up the retro look. Kind of cool, she was nice, but damn bright colors! OH! And the hamburger guy - there's a place in the food court of the mall called Bobcat Burgers and let's just say their sign that reads "This is not fast food - it is fresh food" is totally right and boy-o it is GOOD! And the guy running the till and making the food (proprietor maybe?) was super nice as well. We found the place thanks to the lady who checked us out at the toy store... A TOY STORE! Haven't seen one in forever so it rocked my socks off.

It isn't all fun and games tho' - I mean we are still working here. Tuesday night we have a presentation to the Lemhi Cultural Committee (not sure if that's the right title) about our SNHP project. We initially showed our "drafts" to I believe the chairman of the committee back in March/April and it was over 3 hours long. Now, most people aren't willing to sit for that long and thus we are attempting to chop 3 hours of work down to 30 minutes and instead of the 7 presenters we have 5... so roughly 5 minutes per person as one has intro and close so 5 minute blocks for both. OI! Plus my curriculum project is ridiculously hard for me because I've never done anything like this, but totally was reminded today that it was very important as that chairman got in touch with me about the work I've done thus far and essentially said its very cool that I'm doing that. Sweet!

But boy I'm missing a few things - not so much mud, not having to travel to call people, my family, MY BED! But even though today it snowed and its yucky I'm going to miss this place and hope to be back sooner as opposed to later. Anybody else thinking road trip for another performance by that acting troupe? Haha! Really, the best way to describe how it looks is to simply call it ruggedly beautifulk - it is not a gentle soft landscape but somehow that makes it even better. Fan-freaking-tastic.

Ok bed time... we shopped and not only do I dislike it but it wears me out so for sure this time bed!

Be Bear Aware

So today was great - in an odd sort of way. I mean, I can't sit here and pull out artifacts and amazing data and show everyone just how great I am - well I could but it would be false. BUT we did a lot of good stuff as far as figuring and planning and we did some shovel test plots so it was good.

Really to be honest I don't have a lot to report - it was a good day, a worthwhile day, but as I'm sitting here attempting to eat dinner before doing laundry and writing I just can't seem to find anything interesting to say even tho' I started this thinking "Oh man I have so many things to say!" Guess I might need to write more later if I remember any of it... maybe.

Monday 5/17/2010 Morning

Today is Monday of the second week of our field school and I have finally decided that I actually would like to blog about it, so here goes nothing.

So far we've visited some AMAZING sites and gotten acquainted with the amazing staff @ Montana Heritage Commission. No joke, I totally want Janna's job - or Kate's. It just seems that it would be ridiculously awesome to do some of the stuff they do every day. Of course, it would be a lot of work. Kate is the sole archaeologist here in Virginia City w/ the MHC and Janna is constantly having to deal with over a million items in the collection, many of which are still locked away in boxes that she's trying to get through and catalogue. Can you imagine? Still looks awesome.

Apparently this afternoon we'll be traveling the 15 miles to Laurin from Virginia City - that's where the 1868 treaty was signed, etc. This morning we had an organizing meeting and then Kate came in to talk with us about Shovel Testing and Pedestrian survey for artifacts. Looks like that's what we'll be doing in Laurin, or rather a mile outside of the town, so as to find the location of the Agaidika camp during said 1868 treaty meeting. Should be kind of cool, even if I'm pretty nervous as I've never done anything like this before and am seriously worried I might mess up (I'm a little neurotic that way).

Leo, one of the coolest people I've ever had the opportunity to meet, has joined us now. He's an Agaidika and came up here to help us determine where the Agaidika camp would have been in 1868. Also, it looks like a cultural committee of several members of his tribe will be joining us next week for a presentation focusing on the SNHP (Sacajawea National Historic Park) project, so that's pretty darn exciting. It looks like the five of us who are @ field school and were also enrolled in the 528 survey course this last spring will be presenting together, meaning that we have to take all of our presentations and mash them together and cut out a lot so as to keep the presentation much shorter than the roughly 3 hours it took a few weeks ago when we did our preliminary presentations while Leo visited the WSU campus. Keep your fingers crossed cuz that's going to be hard.

In addition to our primary assignment, we're doing two other "side" projects in relation to the Virginia City treaty, etc. The presentation is counting as one of my projects, but I'm also attempting to create a curriculum to be used in classrooms of 4th - 6th graders (I'm really thinking 5th grade but not sure why I'm hung up on that as much as I am). Let me tell you what, I already respected teachers a great deal but after just this little bit of curriculum work I'm even more amazed. Seriously, it is arguably the hardest job I can think of as they have to know their stuff, be amazing planners, and manage to do it all while being relatively nice to students. However, it is also turning into a lot of fun for me so maybe "real" teachers feel that its a fair trade-off, y'know do something you love and are energized by even tho' you aren't being paid nearly enough.

I keep thinking if I were to talk to future field schoolers what I would say as far as "advice" and I think it comes down to just a few things.

1) Take yourself seriously and enjoy the hell out of it; you're a serious scholar now! But don't take yourself too seriously because this is fun, the area is beautiful, and you get to do stellar things. ENJOY!

2) Don't just double or triple check to make sure you have your backpack with you; check like four or five times. I thought I had mine and when I went to snag it on our first day I realized I was wrong and have regretted it every day since. Hiking, etc. is so much more enjoyable when you haven't things in your hands, esp. since you'll want to take photos and notes.

3) Wear sun block, even if you don't think you'll burn. Esp. you ladies because the sun ages us so fast. There's some beautiful people in V.C. but there's also a lot of people who would be knockouts if they'd smear some SPF 30 all over.

4) Make sure you room with someone you like, not just sort of tolerate, and be sure to have some kind of a conversation on roommate etiquette/expectations. I lucked out and am rooming with one of the coolest people I know AND we're very similar, but you gotta make darn sure you can stand three weeks with each other.

5) EAT BREAKFAST! AND LUNCH! AND DINNER! (haha)

6) Watch the sunset and if possible try to watch the sunrise. Montana is beautiful, a kind of wild, untamed and rugged beauty with mountains and cliffs and the most amazing scenery. Take advantage of some of the most beautiful times of the day to stand in wonder @how amazing this land is.

And most importantly - be polite to EVERYONE, especially the people who live and work in and near Virginia City. Rudeness just shows off ignorance.

That's it for now - I'm off to work for another half hour or so before lunch then off to Laurin. I'll hopefully write more soon (like tomorrow or something) so check back for more ramblings by me.

To date coolest thing I've seen: Bison in Yellowstone

Song stuck in my head the most: All my exes live in Texas (thanks Hay Bail opening night)

Thing I'm missing the most: My piano

Thing I'm most eager about: EVERY SINGLE THING WE GET TO DO FROM NOW UNTIL THE END OF FIELD SCHOOL (totally coming back to V.C., possibly with field school if I can convince Dr. Svingen that I'd be an asset).